Cambridge, MA (April first, 2010) Yesterday, in a drastic attempt to curb the effects of global warming, the City of Cambridge, Massachusetts officially outlawed the use of paper in all forms. As quoted in the City’s bill, “Carbon emissions are making the Earth warmer, and trees reduce carbon. We can no longer afford to betray our barked brethren with this wasteful destruction of plant life for flimsy paper sheets. It is time to embrace the digital age.”
With all utilization of paper being revoked, the City has been thrown into a state of chaos. Residents have turned to drastic measures with reports of checks being written on ripped cloth, and restaurant spills being absorbed by slices of bread.
A local woman exclaimed “I went to the store to buy toilet tissue, and they handed me a USB drive and assured me that all the digital TP I would ever need was stored on it! I don’t care if you can store 10,000 sheets on one drive, how do I actually use this stuff?”
Though some townspeople embraced the new law as a progressive and much awaited change, others revolted against the revocation of the popular material, and protested in front of town hall. Protestors chanted slogans like “Digital for later, we want our paper” and carried signs describing graphic details of the inefficiencies of digital paper in the bathroom.
In local shops, customers were not given paper receipts, but were instead sent emails. Birthday gifts are now wrapped in cellophane of which recipients complain “kind of ruins the surprise.”
To ensure compliance, a specialized Cambridge police squad was assigned to seek out paper users, revoke the illegal substances, and write tickets. Ticketing proved difficult, however, when police officers realized there was nothing to write offenders’ names on.
